A passage in the book Beyond Belief by Elaine Pagels forced me to pause and write this post. It so accurately described my feelings I was amazed. One of those wonderful moments where you realize you aren’t alone in your crazy world. But scary at the same time for me because I realize I still have so far to go. This is the passage:
“When I found that I no longer believed everything I thought Christians were supposed to believe, I asked myself, Why not just leave Christianity-and religion-behind, as so many others have done? Yet I sometimes encountered, in churches and elsewhere-…something compelling, powerful, even terrifying that I could not ignore, and I had to come to see that, besides belief, Christianity involves practice – and paths toward transformation.”
I’ve asked myself that same question about why I don’t just give up; the truth is I find it almost impossible to completely turn away from Christianity.
I have quite a large collection of crosses; some are pendants that I wear around my neck, and some hang on my wall. I started collecting them years ago – before I could say I even started my journey. Once I felt like faith was something I understood and connected with those crosses became all the more meaningful to me. In my current moment of misalignment I wonder how sincere it is of me to continue to collect crosses. Maybe I shouldn’t since I don’t know exactly what it means to me yet. But I find I can’t stop.
There is something so addictive to me about this symbol; it holds on to me. It supports me and brings me joy, I can’t abandon it. I understand this description of something that cannot be ignored and so I continue on my path with all my wonderful crosses.