I’m sure at some point I will stop numbering these meetings 😉
This Sunday I had a wonderfully productive meeting with the Quakers. I went by myself, which was good for my focus. And I decided that if I was going to have idle chatter in my head it might as well be directed at God. So I just started talking to Him – first about what I felt my biggest struggles were recently then about people who were top of mind in need of “blessings” as the Quakers say. I wasn’t sure how long I would be able to carry on this one sided conversation but I just kept rambling.
It was an experience akin to calling your best friend and after she asks how you are, you’re talking a mile a minute catching her up on everything. Next thing you know half an hour’s gone by and all she’s managed to get into the conversation is a polite “uh-huh” every now and then. I love these conversations. My friend calls it “clucking”. It feels so good to share and be shared with.
So although God didn’t get his half of the conversation, it was incredibly satisfying to me. I was pleased and admittedly surprised that I didn’t run out of things to tell Him. I’d thought that this kind of opening up wasn’t possible for me. But when I stopped expecting to hear back it became much easier to find my focus and give.
After that first half hour flew by, I was spent, needed a shift in communication. So I started visualizing – just letting whatever images popped into my head be there. This was something that I didn’t have high expectations for, just an experiment. The image I saw was a staircase. This didn’t surprise me, staircases are often in my visions. When I was first going through the realities of my marriage being over I would visualize a healing path. Something very literal that I could see myself doing to show progress toward my goal – like climbing a staircase. Having just finished Karen Armstrong’s book The Spiral Staircase, this was an image I was very attached to.
When I first started my visualizations I saw myself sitting on the bottom step of a very tall spiral, iron staircase in a cylindrical room with no doors or windows. It was mostly dark. Looking up I could see a ceiling very high above me, a circular opening at the top with light shining out of it. I could also hear faint talking and laughing, like from a cocktail party. I knew that up on that level were all my family and friends having a good time, waiting for me to join them again. And, very slowly, I began to climb.
As months passed I would continue this vision. And each time I would see myself on the staircase in a different place, usually slightly higher up. Sometimes pausing, sometimes climbing steadily, occassionally backing up a few steps but never back at the bottom. I thought about this staircase for at least six months. But after that, my thoughts didn’t go to it that often and when they did I could almost see the people at the top. Eventually one day I saw myself standing on that level with everyone who I thought would be there welcoming me – I had that vision several times actually (it was a nice one to replay).
Sunday at the Quaker meeting when I closed my eyes, I saw myself looking up. There were white walls all around me, almost blinding white. And I realized I was once again on a staircase, but not the same one. There was as opening at the top with a amazing white light coming out of it. And no noise, I was all alone. I knew instantly what this meant to me.
Much like the emotional recovery from my divorce this staircase is leading me to an emotional recovery with God. And it is fitting that I should be alone on the stair; everyone’s journey is unique and personal. It was so comforting to be back on a familiar vision, one that I have confidence will end with success because I have done it before.