notes from the edge of the river – I

These writings were from my solo vacation to a little red caboose cabin near Bandera, Texas this past week. A long weekend of relaxing, reflection and exploration.

cross.jpgIt was on my drive up to the little red caboose, while contemplating my relationship with Jesus (yet again!) that I saw an enormous cross on the top of a hill. The effect was startling. I tried to visit it a few days later but it’s apparently located on private property that no one can access. I found this quite annoying – like the person who wants to convince me that Jesus is the way but isn’t willing to hear my thoughts. I’m probably overreacting but that was my honest initial feeling.

I’m sitting in this peaceful, serene spot now thinking how lucky I am to get to have this time for me. I want it to be a contemplative time. You know, solve all my religious issues in 4 days! 😉 I can hear the river from the back deck – all nature all the time. A big change for a city girl like me.

So what was I thinking about Jesus you ask? I was reflecting that the more I learn about early Christianity and the history of the church the more I come to believe that he was mostly a man, if a God at all. But my circular argument with myself is that no matter what I think, or what historians find, or what theologians write about we’ll never know for certain. We will never have proof. When I get here I’m stuck. Not because I’m not comfortable with not having proof, but because I have a perverse need to pick a side!

This dilemma also causes me to contemplate those who believe they do know and without a doubt, the Truth. Knowing for yourself is wonderful, and I hope to get there someday. It’s the knowing for others that bothers me. “Knowing” that someone is going to hell because they don’t believe is like sticking a cross on a hill and not letting anyone visit it. Just pronounce, don’t debate.

Some would say that because I don’t ‘know’, I don’t have faith. And I guess in a way they are right. I believe in God without proof, why can’t I make the lead with Jesus? Probably because of just those people who insist vehemently that he is the son of God. Maybe I’m just reacting against something, instead of for something – I don’t like that concept and it’s one I will have to work on. Good thing I have 3 days left!

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