Monthly Archives: April 2007

missing the quakers

One of the other things I’ve been not doing since my new job other than blogging is attending any kind of serivce on Sunday. I have this childlike exhileration of waking up on Sunday and feeling like I get to do whatever I want. I don’t have to rush off to work or a little league game or anything! There is an odd relief in not going anywhere and not feeling like it’s expected of me. From my dad making me go to church as a kid and feeling like I had to go for the kids – I am enjoying a certain freedom that I didn’t realize I wanted. I’ve spent so many years trying to understand religion, and I thought sitting in church was the way to do that. Now, I’m not so sure.

But I do miss the Quakers. I think about that wonderful silence more than any church service I’ve ever been too. I was daydreaming about it today. I’ve felt more “spiritual” in those quite meetings than I ever remember feeling anywhere else. So I believe I will be there again on Sunday – I also think I should take up meditation. Any ideas on how to do that?

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loving what you do

So I miss blogging terribly and I hope to get back to it soon, but I just have to say: I LOVE MY JOB! It’s been so long since I’ve totally enjoyed what I do and who I’m doing it with that I have to compare it to nothing less than a spiritual experience. It has certainly halted the inner reflection which has been a good break for me and I feel connected to others in a way I have not in some time. It’s even allowed me to reassess my existing relationships and find the truly positive in those…all from a job, who would have guessed it.

And Ken keep those book recommendations coming. My mom bought me 4 of them for my birthday. I can’t wait to start reading.

leaving the staircase

It’s been a whirlwind few weeks – I’ve started my new job which I love but which has also taken up a lot of my time. It’s also taken my mind off of God for a while, which is probably a good thing. It’s tiring to think about something that heavy all the time. I’m not sure how ministers and priests to do that full time.

I had an opportunity at the last Quaker meeting to continue my reflections on the staircase. This past Sunday was very odd indeed. I closed my eyes and did my usual visualization. I was feeling quite impatient for some reason. I saw myself on the stark white stairs again with the blinding white light. I was just standing there not moving – sort of thinking what to do. And then I just sprinted up the stairs and flew open the door at the top.

It was a dark, empty room. No light, no whatever I was expecting to see by charging up there. I sat down in the room, feeling very frustrated. I became aware of another presence on the staircase – someone had been following me. Before I looked I knew who it was – Jesus.

Great. Just great. The one guy I can’t get my head around at all is following me. I was annoyed and told him so. I started ranting at him basically – telling him I didn’t know who he was, what to make of him, I just wanted to find God, etc….

He, of course, just smiled and said nothing. But he did motion that I follow him and he started walking back down the staircase. Reluctantly I followed. I didn’t really want to leave the room, like if I hung around God would be right back from the grocery store or something. But I also knew how ridiculous that was and that this Jesus representation was not leading me in the wrong direction. He knew best.

So we go to the bottom of what was really a very short staircase and he opened the door. Outside it was a sunny, beautiful day. It opened out into a sort of park with beautiful green grass and trees and birds. People were walking around. It’s where I was supposed to be. Not off by myself pursing a God that I had no idea how to find.

What the Jesus figure was showing me is what I knew to be true, that I would only find it by re-engaging in the world with people and making myself open and vulnerable to them not just to God where I perceived it to be “safe”.

When I turned back around he was gone. And so is my staircase for now.

Ironically the two people who spoke at the meeting that day (after my staircase vision) spoke of the importance of being part of a community and giving back to people in the community of not isolating yourself. I got the message loud and clear!